When someone we love is caught in the web of an abusive relationship, it can be agonizing to watch.We want to fix it, to save them, to pull them out — but true help often asks for something deeper: patience, trust, and unconditional love.
(For simplicity, I’ll use “she” for the victim and “he” for the perpetrator — but abuse obviously crosses all genders and relationships.)
1. Trust Their Timing, Not Yours
It’s tempting to urge them to leave immediately. But real change must come from their own heart, not our fear.
Pressuring them to leave can make it even more dangerous. Often abuse gets worse if the perpetrator fears they will be abandoned.
Be the steady voice that says, “I’m here when you’re ready.”
2. Offer Resources with Gentleness
You can quietly plant seeds:
- Recommend a book like Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. Say something like, “we’ll just see if your partner doesn’t fit the profile of an abuser.”
- Offer to call a shelter or hotline together, even just to ask “what-IF questions.”
- Help write down harmful incidents — dates, times, feelings — to anchor their truth.
Small acts of clarity in a fog of confusion can make a world of difference.
3. Surround Them with Safe People
Isolation is an abuser’s weapon.
Encourage your friend to spend time around healthy people — especially grounded, trustworthy men — even if they don’t feel deeply connected to them.
Sometimes just seeing normal again is powerful medicine.
4. No Fixing, No Therapy for Two
This is not the time for couples therapy, communication strategies, or self-growth work.
Abuse is not a relationship problem — it’s a control problem.
Believe your friend without asking for proof, and never suggest they “work harder” to save the relationship.
Their survival is the goal, not the relationship.
5. Help Build Quiet Strength
Encourage anything that reconnects your friend to their body and inner power:
- A martial arts video.
- A piece of art that symbolizes resilience.
- A walk outside to feel solid ground beneath them.
Even small things help rebuild the parts of them that have been dismantled.
6. Pace the Journey
Leaving is a marathon.
Some days your friend will move mountains; some days just breathing will be enough.
Celebrate tiny victories. Rest together when needed.
Healing isn’t linear. And that’s okay.
7. Stay Rooted in Your Own Soul
Your friend’s journey is hers.
You can love her fiercely — and still remember: you are not her savior.
Tend to your own heart, your own life.
Let the Earth hold you when it’s too heavy.
Final Blessing
If you are showing up with open hands and an open heart, you are already doing the sacred work of friendship.
Thank you for being part of her light, even when the night is long.